Swoon - rewrite

I originally wote this story several years ago. Since then, I've reworked and rewritten it several times. I think I'm finally happy with it. Enjoy.

"Swoon"
By Butch Hendricks

Pounding music and flashing lights in the darkness of Dead End made the club surrealistic. People danced in the semi darkness and thunderous music like ghosts cause in a storm, of primitives dancing in firelight. Yet the vampire cruised through the sights, sounds and raw emotion like a shark scenting water for a trace of blood. He was here to feed, but, unlike most of his kind, refused to feed from simply random people. He was searching for a different flavor. He was scenting the psychic breeze for a soul that would welcome what he had to offer. Death. He had caught such a flavor as he'd entered the club. Ahh, there it was again!

Reaching out, his mind found the perfect soul. The despair and loneliness radiated from her with a cloying sweetness like fruit left to decay. She was a plain woman, given to slight chunkiness and a sweet face. She dressed too far over the top and used too much makeup to cover the flaws she saw in herself. But that couldn’t hide the fact there were never messages on her answering machine from potential suitors. No man had ever looked at her "that" way The vampire could sense such a burning need for love and affection, validation, that it almost broke even his undead heart. She felt she had so much to give, but no one seemed interested. He sensed that she had reached a point of no return in her life. That both God and the world had written her off as a poor investment. She was here to say good bye to the world that had treated her so poorly, then go home to seek her end. He would help her find that passage.

He was tall, with a noble, face and regal bearing, with short dark hair and piercing eyes. He didn’t walk so much as glide, a shadow in the glaring light. Reaching her table, he waited patiently until she met his eye. He reached out his hand to her. Her bitter and mistrustful eyes opened wide, like those of a deer, as she took it and allowed him to pull her from her seat and lead her out onto the dance floor. Despite the wild tempo of the techno pop, he held her close in a warm embrace. She shivered at his touch.

Speaking directly to her mind, he told her that she’d deserved so much better. Opening his mind to hers, he found mental snapshots of a life filled with humiliating, awkward moments, trying to connect with other people. Male relatives that touched and abused her, then called her a whore and a cow for allowing such things. Horrific times when she actually missed the touch of an uncle's hands on the back of her head as he forced himself into her mouth. Even if it had been wrong, at least, in that instant, she'd been wanted.

The memories were almost more than the vampire could bear. It was as if she'd been made, just to suit his needs. But then, it seemed as if that was all she'd ever known, serving someone else's needs. He whispered into her mind that if she would so honor him, he could show her the true meaning of love. Still swaying to the music, he took her face into his hands, looking probingly into her eyes. They were bright with hope, tears and regret. Her mascara was running slightly in a couple of places. Softly, he wiped away her tears, tracing the outline of her face with his fingertips. Through their connection, he felt a bitter pain spearing through her heart. "Why could it not always be this way?" she thought. Guilt began to nag at him as he pressed his lips to hers. With that simple contact, she sighed into his mouth and melted against him. He insulated them from the world, pouring thoughts of acceptance and love into her and beginning to hate himself for it..

They danced together that way for hours. There were never words. Just her eager embrace and his gentle touches and thoughts. Regardless of what music was playing, they danced slowly, each entangled in the other. She devoured the attention he was showering on her, filling herself with it to overflowing. At last, he led her off the dance floor, she, eagerly, he, with reluctance driven by a self loathing at the way he knew the evening would end, helped her into her coat. After a final kiss and embrace, he followed her to her apartment.

Walking in, it was as he had expected. Bright colors, frilly things, too much. A vain falsehood to make herself feel that all was happy and her life fulfilled. He noticed the pictures of smiling men’s faces. She never appeared in the pictures with the men. There was a single, small picture of her as a child, heavy, sad and always alone. She hung up their coats, looking at him nervously.

"C..Can I get..." She stammered.

He placed a finger over her lips, telling her mind that words were not needed here. He led her by the hand into her bedroom. The double bed was filled with idiotically smiling stuffed toys, her make up table filled to overflowing. The only light, a bright pink pair of neon lips, blinked on and off, alternating with the words "Hey Hot Stuff!" The room was filled with the reek of crushing sadness, despair and unanswered prayers. He wondered if he'd be able to do this, but his own body was screaming with needs of its own.

She came to him with frightened eyes and a nervous giggle. Clumsily, she tried to unbutton his shirt, but his hands covered hers. Stepping behind her, he kissed her neck and allowed his hands to gently explore her. Her breathing grew heavy as he nuzzled the back of her neck through her hair, unfastening a button here, sliding down a zipper there, until she stood before him, clad in only her bra and panties. Gratefully, he allowed her to guide his hands to her plump breasts. Her need of him was drowning out the thoughts of her horror of a life. That need was becoming almost as ravenous as his own.

He helped her strip off his clothes, the neon light making his pale skin pink. He allowed her long minutes of touching and exploring his body. He gave her the reaction she was longing for. Stripping off her bra and panties, he led her, naked, to the bed. He covered her mouth with fierce kisses that made her breath stutter. He could sense all the things she wanted him to do to her, and he gave her everything. His cool lips touched her, making her body respond in ways she had only imagined. Her pounding heart and singing blood ringing in his ears. Parting her legs, he slipped deep inside her, making her cry out as he took away her virginity. He would be her first and last real lover. He gave her everything she'd ever dreamed of. Teasing her body to the very edge, then pulling back.

Finally, he felt that she was on the edge of orgasm. Fangs sliding down, he bit into her throat, filing his mouth with blood that tasted of bitterness and passion. His hips still thrusting, she cried out as the orgasm washed over her, clutching as his body, pulling it closer as he drank her life. Soon she lay still, heart fluttering, but a contented smile on her lips. As her heart fluttered it’s last beats, he licked her blood from his now warm lips and kissed her softly a final time. Whispering into her ear, he said "I love you and I'm sorry it had to be this way."

With a sigh of happiness, she smiled up at him. "I love you, too. And I forgive you." With a final, shallow breath, she passed beyond the light.

The vampire untangled himself from her dead limbs, carefully composing them into an attitude of slumber. In death, the sadness of a lifetime fell away from her face. In it's place was the happy innocence of a child. Carefully, he licked the wounds on her throat, causing them to seal and vanish. Naked, he sat beside her corpse for a long time, studying her smiling face. Death had given her something she'd never believed she had in life. Beauty.

He thought again of the images he'd seen in her mind. The latest additions to the mental gallery he carried from all his victims. Decades worth of faces flashed before his mind's eye. Committing her face to memory, he was suddenly wracked with dry sobs. For years, he had consoled himself with the thought that he was granting a gift, easing the passing of women that no longer desired life, but realized now that he was the final and ultimate user in each of his victim's lives. That was more than he could bear. He felt like a vessel for all the world's pain. He could do that no more. Looking into that childlike face, he vowed she would be the last one. There had to be a better way.

Taking her into his arms, he rocked her back and forth, weeping silent tears, before tucking her under her covers. "Maybe we've saved each other's souls tonight," he whispered to no one. Brushing her hair with his fingers, he stood and quickly dressed. Leaning over her, he kissed her forehead. Never looking back, he slipped into the night.

Illusions

Blogging from my phone again, so bear with me. Just read my friend Pandora's blog titled Shattered illusions. That title resonated with me. I find that I really have no illusions left. The last few months have stripped away every last one. I have learned that family can't be trusted. Most friends shake their heads and give advice I really can't follow. I don't even trust the ground I stand on anymore.

I was talking to a member of my church and was told that I had caused them to question their faith. Said that they now questioned a God that would so test someone. Wtf does that even mean? God's got it in for me, too? Most days, I feel like a boxer that keeps getting beat, but is too stubborn to go down. But it really isn't being stubborn, I just don't know what else to do. Just not really wanting to be here anymore.

So, non in this place and this time, there are no illusions left. And the only happy endings are in the movies.

Catching up

I used to tell my friend, Pandora, that she needed to blog so that she could have a relatively safe venue to really express herself. Its kind of funny that she has taken to it like a fish to water, where as I, the so called writer, have avoided doing the same. I'm sure that she would, and will, have plenty to say about that and what it says about me. And I'm sure that most of it would be true.

Life has been heading down an increasingly dark path, and I have so few people that I can really talk to, so I will make a late New Year's resolution: I will spend more time here and better express the things going on in my life. Sadly, only one person is ever likely to read any of this. Maybe it's some kind of commentary on my life that I have so very few people I really trust enough to call friend. I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and I don't see much to feel very pleased about.

To be honest, I want two things. One is to close the doors of my root cellar and just shut out the world. Secondly, I also want someone to break through the doors of the root cellar, take my hand and tell me that it's going to be ok, I really will get out of this mess alive. Even though I know that's just a pretty lie.

Hopefully, we will talk again, soon.

an awkward moment

Blackberry post-

Ever have one of those moments that aren't especially bad, yet not especially good? They leave you thinking "what was that all about?"

Today has been such a moment and I thought I'd share. I got a text last night from an ex of mine. "Can I see you tomorrow morning? There's something we need to talk about."

"Sure," I said hesitantly. This particular ex has been something of a psycho, but I was curious. I had another appointment that fell through, so she came and picked me up. Since I hadn't seen her in some time, there was the usual chit chat. Finally I just bored ahead and asked what was up? She admitted that she is getting married sometime this month. I wasn't surprised, but gave her my sincerest congrats. I noticed that she watched me closely.

She was waiting for a reaction and I really didn't have one. I was glad for her, if this is what she wants, but I wasn't upset, either. It was some kind of strange neutrality.

I think its possible she expected me to suddenly step up and claim her! Not going to happen. Eventually, we talked about other things, she brought me home, I gave her a hug and congrats again.

I am still puzzled about my own total lack of emotional response. I will have to think about it.

A letter to Barbaro's Angel

Hi Angel

I follow Pandora's blog and discovered your questions. Unfortunately, I don't know if some of those questions will ever really be answered to America's satisfaction. All I can do is give you some of my own thoughts.

Why did it happen? There are probably countless reasons. Political: the planners wanted to show the world that the US is basically weak and morally corrupt. They struck at, what was perhaps, the very symbol of what the US stands for. Wealth and power. They struck for religious reasons. Islam teaches that it is acceptable to attack and kill anyone that refuses to acknowledge that the way of Allah is the only true way. They call it Jihad, or Holy War. You may even be thinking that "We didn't do anything to them!" I read somewhere that the Muslim mind is one that looks back: is more concerned with their history and real or imagined slights and insults. Here in the West, events like the Crusades is little more than ancient history. Something to be studied or read about. For them, it represents the basest of insults handed to them by Christians, and they will not forget that. And some people are just filled with rage, pain, a need to kill and destroy, and are determined to share it with the world. I would encourage you to read through some of the history leading up to the Crusades. I think you will see what I mean.

Did 9/11 unify America? For a time, absolutely, it did. Ask your mom, your dad. On 9/10, you saw American flags in all the places you would expect them. At schools, government buildings, etc. But after the attack, on 9/12 and the weeks following, you saw flags everywhere! Guys with pickup trucks mounted several flags in the bed. You saw them on cars, people wearing flag pins or shirts, businesses hanging huge flags off of their buildings. They were everywhere. People all over the country lined up to donate blood and plasma for shipment to New York, when the supplies they had on hand were more than enough. People wanted to help. They wanted to feel that they were contributing, helping put people's lives back together. The Air Force claimed the last words heard from Flight 93 as the motto of their fighter wings: "Let's roll!" In the months and years to follow, the Navy used salvaged steel from the World Trade Center to build American warships (Look up the USS New York). As has happened so many times in American history, we discovered that we were strong! And in that strength, we stood up, with one voice and told the world "We will not fall. We will not falter. This will never happen again!" There were no republicans, no democrats, no rich, no poor. Just Americans united in grief and anger. For maybe the first time in US history, we were truly one people.

Unfortunately, while we have never forgotten the events of 9/11, or the horror of watching American passenger jets crashing into American buildings (which now you can only find in youtube, because it was decided by the media that the images of that day were too disturbing), I believe that we have forgotten how it felt. We ask ourselves, "why don't they like us?" "Bring our troops home, they shouldn't fight and die on foreign sands. It isn't our war."

You impress me for even asking the questions you did. I would encourage you to seek out those answers for yourself. Go to youtube and watch the videos of that terrible day, with your mom. Look at how it makes you feel. I think you will find some of your answers in your own heart.

Let me share a couple of my favorite quotes with you, to think about. "Peace isn't the absence of war. It is the presence of justice." "There is a peace that can only be found on the other side of war."

Finally, I read about your being selected as Cadet of the month. Awesome job! I'm sure you've picked up that I am all about the history. There is a brother and sisterhood of veterans that have fought, bled and died for the United States of America. It's membership stretches back into the nation's earliest days. You have taken your first steps as a new member of that club. You might roll your eyes and think that it isn't THAT big of a deal. Yes it is. It is a beginning. And even if you never serve in the military, you will carry a little bit of it inside you. Be proud of that. Wear your uniform with pride. Never let anyone tell you it doesn't matter, because it does. And as one vet to another... I'm proud of you.

I didn't mean to write yo a book, but I hope I gave you some things to think about and more importantly, to talk about!

Happy 4th of July

I wish you, gentle reader, a safe and happy holiday.

Have you noticed that this holiday is almost exclusively referred to by it's date? The 4th of July. I think that it is entirely appropriate to take a moment and reflect upon this holiday's official name: Independence Day.

WHEN, in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the Political Bands, which have connected them with another, and to assume, among the Powers of the Earth, the separate and equal Station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's GOD entitle them, a decent Respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the Causes which impel them to the Separation.

We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their CREATOR, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its Foundation on such Principles, and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate, that Governments long established, should not be changed for light and transient Causes; and accordingly all Experience hath shown, that Mankind are more disposed to suffer, while Evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the Forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long Train of Abuses and Usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a Design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their Right, it is their Duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future Security. Such has been the patient Sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the Necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The History of the present King of Great-Britain is a History of repeated Injuries and Usurpations, all having in direct Object the Establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid World.

HE has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public Good.

HE has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing Importance, unless suspended in their Operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

HE has refused to pass other Laws for the Accommodations of large Districts of People, unless those People would relinquish the Right of Representation in the Legislature, a Right inestimable to them, and formidable to Tyranny only.

HE has called together Legislative Bodies at Places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the Depository of their public Records, for the sole Purpose of fatiguing them into Compliance with his Measures.

HE has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly Firmness his Invasions on the Rights of the People.

HE has refused for a long Time, after such Dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining, in the mean Time, exposed to all the Dangers of Invasion from without, and Convulsions within.

HE has endeavored to prevent the Population of these States; for that Purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their Migrations hither, and raising the Conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

HE has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

HE has made Judges dependent on his Will alone; for the Tenure of their Offices, and the Amount and Payment of their Salaries.

HE has erected a Multitude of new Offices, and sent hither Swarms of Officers to harass our People, and eat out their Substance.

HE has kept among us, in Times of Peace, Standing Armies, without the Consent of our Legislatures.

HE has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

HE has combined with others to subject us to a Jurisdiction foreign to our Constitution, and unacknowledged by our Laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

FOR quartering large Bodies of Armed Troops among us:

FOR protecting them, by a mock Trial, from Punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

FOR cutting off our Trade with all Parts of the World:

FOR imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

FOR depriving us, in many Cases, of the Benefits of Trial by Jury:

FOR transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended Offences:

FOR abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighboring Province, establishing therein an arbitrary Government, and enlarging its Boundaries, so as to render it at once an Example and fit Instrument for introducing the same absolute Rule into these Colonies:

FOR taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

FOR suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with Power to legislate for us in all Cases whatsoever.

HE has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection, and waging War against us.

HE has plundered our Seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our Towns, and destroyed the Lives of our People.

HE is, at this Time, transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to complete the Works of Death, Desolation, and Tyranny, already begun with Circumstances of Cruelty and Perfidy, scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous Ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized Nation.

HE has constrained our Fellow-Citizens, taken Captive on the high Seas, to bear Arms against their Country, to become the Executioners of their Friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

HE has excited domestic Insurrection amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the Inhabitants of our Frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known Rule of Warfare, is an undistinguished Destruction, of all Ages, Sexes, and Conditions.

IN every Stage of these Oppressions we have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble Terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated Injury. A Prince, whose Character is thus marked by every Act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the Ruler of a free People.

NOR have we been wanting in Attentions to our British Brethren. We have warned them, from Time to Time, of Attempts by their Legislature to extend an unwarrantable Jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the Circumstances of our Emigration and Settlement here. We have appealed to their native Justice and Magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the Ties of our common Kindred to disavow these Usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our Connections and Correspondence. They too have been deaf to the Voice of Justice and of Consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the Necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the Rest of Mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

WE, therefore, the Representatives of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, in GENERAL CONGRESS Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the World for the Rectitude of our Intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly Publish and Declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be, FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES; that they are absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political Connection between them and the State of Great-Britain, is, and ought to be, totally dissolved; and that as FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which INDEPENDENT STATES may of Right do. And for the Support of this Declaration, with a firm Reliance on the Protection of DIVINE PROVIDENCE, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

TBC

Something lost, something gained

Dogma is the established belief or doctrine held by a religion, ideology or any kind of organization: it is authoritative and not to be disputed, doubted or diverged from.

I have not tried to hide the fact that I am a firm believer in the idea and ideal of chivalry. Looking at what our society is becoming, I think that a modernized form of chivalry could well be the salvation of the world.

Chivalry is comprised of morality, honesty, integrity, compassion, respect, personal courage, responsibility, accountability and equality.

The Midddle Ages, when chivalry was born, were a much different place than the world we live in today. Its people were different. Women had almost no rights and really needed the protection chivalry provided. Today, not so much.

In today's world, with the right amount of drive, everyone can be what it is in them to be. Regardless of race, gender, religion or sexual orientation. You just have to want it badly enough to go chasing it.

It saddens me that not all seem to see chivalry in that light. I was forced by my own beliefs and convictions to leave the chivalric organization I would have happily spent the rest of my life championing. The verbiage is subtle. At least to a tree stump like me, it is. But the respect being accorded to women is a gilded cage. That respect denies them personal responsibility or accountability. It presumes that they are born with an innate understanding of what it is and means to be a woman, yet men are not. It places women upon a pedestal that is so high as to make every woman a faded copy of the Virgin Mary. How does this thinking give them access to the same virtues and ideals that chivalric men claim for themselves? How does it give them the right to live to their maximum potential? I don't believe it does. And that belief has set me apart from my brothers.

It has been my experience that some women can be just a vile and corrupted as any man. I don't see them as needing any special dispensation because they wear bras and panties. They, the same as everyone else, have to make that personal choice to be better people. To want to help others become better people. Considering the fact that they are still, for the most part, the primary caregivers of our children, shouldn't they perhaps be help more accountable? At the very least, be given the same opportunities for virtue as any man.

Is chivalry sexist? When viewed through the lens of the modern world, maybe so. Once, it was needed to be so. It served a purpose. Now, that purpose has changed and chivalry must change with it to be pertinent in the world today. It is also very important to remember, when studying history, chivalric codes were rarely followed strictly. Only a handful of knights and nobles were truly chivalric. Today's world needs chivalry to be more. To stand for more. For it's followers to give of themselves more. Will the world get what it needs from modern chivalry?

Probably not.

Saddened, Lancelot, his armor more dented and battered, sheaths his sword. Eyes cast down, he rides into an uncertain sunset, hoping Guenevere can climb off her pedestal.

He could use the company.